I'm moving, after 7 years exactly here, I just want to let everything that's in here go and bury it.

lalapine

I'm still fixing up the layout, so I haven't had time to add friends again.

About 2 months ago I was raped. I don't know what I'm getting out of rehashing everything over again, except precious closure maybe. It wasn't some sordid event like I was always told to expect. I wasn't threatened at knife point and dragged behind some bushes. I was in my own home, the guy was one of my best friends. I'm getting panicky just thinking about it, the same way I did the week after it first happened and I had to ask my doctor for anti-anxiety medication to make my heart stop pounding so painfully and make the shooting pains in my left arm go away. For a while I really thought I was going to get a heart attack.


I don't know how lightly I'm saying this. It's different from the time in kindergarten where this boy kept peeking up girls' skirts and I went up to the teacher with a very big bad word that I'd just learned from TV and told her he was molesting us girls. That was the wrong word. This time I've Googled for hours, rape, consent, visited all the self-help websites I could bear, to make sure. The first time the realization came to me was when my aunt and my mom were having a go at me for coming home drunk (it happened at the new house, I returned to the old house). And I was thinking oh fuck oh God what happened was I raped? Because honestly, I had drunk so much I blacked out. And my second thought after realising that it could have been rape was: I want to die. I was in the kitchen, near the knife racks, I was staring at the knives and really wanting to do something very terrible because they were so accessible and screaming gibberish and freaking out. During that glorious moment, my aunt leaned over and beat me like a little child. In front of Colin, who had come to look after me. While that woke me out of my horror, I also decided never again to make the effort to get along with her. During my exams, when I was short tempered and cranky and she used to get on my nerves, I was never entirely civil and that made me guilty as hell. I'd put all thoughts about the rape out of my head until then, but when I was questioning myself about why I was being so hostile, I realised that although it wasn't really her fault, I hadn't forgiven her for not leaving me a shred of dignity when I already had so little left. And so I childishly cannot bring myself to show her respect any more. And that's why I realised that I haven't left the trauma of the rape behind yet either, and everytime I was stressed out by my aunt or by work, I'd think about it and feel completely miserable and suicidal.

And when I was freaking out, later on that same afternoon, with Colin being fucking pissed at me for putting myself in that situation, I called up the guy and asked him what the fuck was he thinking. Even then I didn't want to blame him, I wanted to be fair, maybe this was really a mistake the 3 of us made. First thing he said was "what's the problem now?" Really, for someone who kept saying it was all of our fault, he didn't seem to want to take things seriously. And then I went apeshit on him and told him what he did could be considered rape. To which he replied something along the lines of, "I don't know, if you really want to press the issue and punish me further..." God, WHAT THE FUCK. It's not like I was choosing to punish him or to blow things out of proportion. All he was saying was that he felt so horribly guilty about doing what he did to his two friends. If he didn't know what exactly he did and the implications of it, then I don't think he would be appropriately guilty, right. Besides, he asked another mutual friend out for pool a week or so later. Boy, did he recover fast for being "wracked with guilt". You fucking bastard.

And oh, he almost raped our other friend, or at the very least made her do things she wouldn't have wanted to. And in the times when I'm torn between forgiving him and hating him and wishing I could tear him apart with my bare hands, this is what I think about. I cannot forgive him. It could have gotten so much worse. It's good and bad that I only got it, because I would never want our other friend to get hurt.


We'd been meeting up every week or so to hang out and have dinner. Me, L and C. Is using initials confidential enough? Somehow I currently don't care if everyone knows that L is a motherfucker. C gets adorable when she's high, and so L and I thought that we'd give C a few drinks and see what she does. This is wrong of me, but I intended to watch out for her and make sure that she got tipsy not wasted, just as I assumed that L intended to watch out for the both of us, him being the guy and designated driver. Funny how I looked out for her and not after myself, so she was the more sober one in the end and I was the one who got so damn drunk that when I woke up I WAS STILL DRUNK. Apparently L made us finish a whole bottle of vodka, just the two of us. I could have gotten alcohol poisoning you fucking dipshit. I don't care about him, he could have drowned in a pool of his own puke for all I care.

L brought two bottles of vodka. He said: Let's finish up a bottle. C and I said: No. That would be stupid, C being a lightweight (she gets chatty after one beer) and me not looking to get trashed.

We drink a bit. C starts feeling lousy. I tell L: Stop. Let's take it easy. L says ok, but behind my back keeps feeding C more. I didn't know until after he did it, because I was away in the toilet.

C feels really really lousy and goes in the toilet to puke. At this point in time I'm feeling wobbly. L tells me to have one more shot. I say: No. L pulls back my head and pours the drink down my throat.

After that I remember nothing. I wake up hours later, naked, and C who was more sober fills me in.

Is 3 "no"s enough to consider what happened when I was completely blacked out rape? Oh and the cherry on top of the cake. L had the balls, the complete and utter stinking balls to tell Colin, when Colin confronted him over the phone, was that we'd wanted a wild night. Wait, what? How the FUCK could he construe plans to chill out and repeated "no"s as "yes please, let's have a wild orgiastic night". To so vilely throw that in the face of my boyfriend. Me and C, all we wanted was to chill out, never in a million years have some stupid wild night. L? Who knows what was going on in his head. C and I have known L since kindergarten and on my part, I've treated L like a brother and I used to be so confident things were platonic. I'd gone out with him a few times, just us, because I knew there were no chances of anything happening, nor did I want it at all. I don't get how L could be so cruel and tell Colin that we'd willingly had a wild night, which would hint that I wanted something like that to happen. And was drinks with two girls an invitation to force himself upon them? How fucked up is L. And also indirectly blaming me for the rape to my boyfriend. CLASSYYY. REAL CLASSY.

L kept saying that he'd been wasted before many times. Fine then, I would expect him to know how to hold his liquor and be a responsible drinker, to know at least when to stop before things got out of hand. Besides, really, the rule of thumb is that the guy looks after the girls. Right? When I was telling L that I thought it was all his fault, you know what he said to me?

But I wasn't only making the two of you drink, I was making myself drink too.

and

I drink a lot when I get drunk what! (both said defensively, like it was my fault for blaming him)

At this point in time I wanted to cry. WHAT THE SHIT FUCK EXCUSE IS THAT. Why in the world would L want to get shitfaced when he knew SO SO WELL AFTERWARDS that he couldn't handle his liquor properly. Didn't he think to take responsibility or at least fully warn us so that we could at least take care of him if he did want to get drunk? And wow, did he want to play the victim too? Great. He kept chalking it up to a great lesson learned. Honestly, all he wanted to do was selfishly think that he was in the right. Colin had to ASK L to come over and apologise to my parents for the mess. I told him, no, because I stupidly didn't want him to get in trouble with his parents (our parents are friends). And then later when I was freaking out at him for being such an asshole, he was angry with me for not letting him go to my mom and apologise. Uh. Hello. First of all, you had to be asked to do it. If you really genuinely want to help, then you think of some way in which to help that didn't require asking, and what the fuck la I was only trying to cover your ass. You should have apologised anyway if you had any sense of decency. And he would msg me once in a while to ask if I was ok, like it was doing wonders instead of making me wish I could gouge his eyes out and spit in his face.

There is more. I could make a more convincing argument about why he was in the wrong, but it's been 2 months and there are things that I've forgotten and don't want to remember in detail. Bottom line is, I think he knew beforehand that he wanted to get himself drunk, but didn't tell me or C, and we were left to pick up the pieces after he raped me and then decided that it "was EVERYONE'S fault" (and the way he acted afterwards, he probably thought it was mostly not his fault).

I've had 2 periods. As far as I know I have no STDs. I couldn't go alone if I needed to get tested, and that's a topic I've been afraid to broach with Colin. What I'm feeling now is pure and utter rage and misery.

Been testing Colin a lot. Not in a deeply manipulative sense. More like being self-destructive and throwing tantrums and hoping that he comes back. Because there's a whole other can of worms in that department and I desperately want to know if he still loves me. Maybe I'm more messed up over this than I realised, but at least I'm not falling totally apart like I predicted I would.

My sister's baby, my nephew, he passed away. The week after. It was so sudden and immediate that for a few terrible terrible days, I thought that I had stressed my sister out so much (the room in which we puked in and I was subsequently raped in was to be her room and the baby clothes that were in there were dirtied) that I was the one who caused her miscarriage. She didn't know about the rape, I had to bear the weight of everyone thinking I was a fucked up failure who only knew how to drink while I was blaming myself for the miscarriage. I still blame myself for it. Everyone had wanted the baby so badly, including me. Not only me feeling selfishly self-pitying for maybe causing her baby's death, but really because I had so many plans for my nephew. Let him play with my toys, teach him French, read him the children's books that I've saved, bring him to the beach, all sorts of things. It's hard.

I had to go through school working hard and pretending like nothing was wrong for so long. That's why I thought I'd crumble when I didn't have school to hide behind. I'm doing better now, but I still don't know. It hurts to have to walk past his house on my way home or out and fear that I might have to face him. It hurts that I cannot make him hurt like I've hurt, because he's too stupid and immature to realise that what he did didn't have to happen. It hurts especially to have to live in the house in which he raped me. I cannot step into certain rooms without feeling like I need to puke.

I hate him. No matter how good of a friend he was to me before, I hate him for betraying my trust so badly and then being such a spineless bitch afterwards. I'm done protecting him, I want to tell everyone how dangerous he is. I don't think he deserves people thinking that he's such a nice guy. The sad thing is, he used to be one of my closest friends and I would have done anything for him. He was technically my first kiss for fuck's sake. It took me this long to be really angry because I was trying so hard to forgive him and save our friendship. Ha.

see, this is what i get for skipping lectures all semester. late nights watching 12 x 2 hrs worth of webcasts and feeling hungry!

Rape Trauma Syndrome

1. Acute Phase

This phase occurs immediately after the assault and usually lasts a few days to several weeks. In this phase individuals can have many reactions but they typically fall into three categories of reactions:
1. Expressed- This is when the survivor is openly emotional. He or she may appear agitated or hysterical, he or she may suffer from crying spells or anxiety attacks.
2. Controlled- This is when the survivor appears to be without emotion and acts as if "nothing happened" and "everything is fine." This appearance of calm may be shock.
3. Shocked Disbelief- This is when the survivor reacts with a strong sense of disorientation. He or she may have difficulty concentrating, making decisions, or doing everyday tasks. He or she may also have poor recall of the assault.

2. The Outward Adjustment Phase

During this phase the individual resumes what appears to be his or her "normal" life but inside is suffering from considerable turmoil. In this phase there are five primary coping techniques:
1. Minimization- Pretends that "everything is fine" or that "it could have been worse."
2. Dramatization- Cannot stop talking about the assault and it is what dominates their life and identity.
3. Suppression- Refuses to discuss, acts as if it did not happen.
4. Explanation- Analyzes what happened- what the individual did, what the rapist was thinking/feeling.
5. Flight- Tries to escape the pain (moving, changing jobs, changing appearance, changing relationships, etc.).

There are many symptoms or behaviors that appear during this phase including:
* Continuing anxiety
* Severe mood swings
* Sense of helplessness
* Persistent fear or phobia
* Depression
* Rage
* Difficulty sleeping (nightmares, insomnia, etc.)
* Eating difficulties (nausea, vomiting, compulsive eating, etc.)
* Denial
* Withdrawal from friends, family, activities
* Hypervigilance
* Reluctance to leave house and/or go places that remind the individual of the assault
* Sexual problems
* Difficulty concentrating
* Flashbacks

All of these symptoms and behaviors may make the individual more willing to seek counseling and/or to discuss the assault.

3. The Resolution Phase

During this phase the assault is no longer the central focus of the individual's life. While he or she may recognize that he or she will never forget the assault; the pain and negative outcomes lessen over time. Often the individual will begin to accept the rape as part of his or her life and chooses to move on.



It's not like the car accident last year where I could take a few days off school and just hibernate.

If I'm not talking about it, it doesn't mean that I'm over it. Not a day has gone by where I haven't dissected everything I could bear to remember. And I can't take responsibility, I can't forgive him for telling Colin that we "wanted a wild night" when all the three of us wanted was to hang out and have a few drinks. I am furious with him, for betraying my trust and for being an irresponsible, immature motherfucking piece of shit. I am clingy, I can't do anything without Colin or Joyce around because I feel useless and incapable. I promised myself I'd hang on until the exams are over. Now they almost are, and I don't know how to cope. I am suicidal because this is not something that I want to bear. It really, really doesn't help that my sister's baby passed away a week afterwards either, and I haven't really given myself the chance to mourn.

All I've done all day is mooch around the house to scavenge for lunch  (which was a slice of bread with creamed salmon on top and a handful of dill chips) then retreat back to my room to watch an episode of Gossip Girl and another one of Mad Men.

Exams start Saturday and then it's madness for a week, then I'm free. I should be more stressed and doing more work, but it's nice to sit down for a while. I haven't stopped working nonstop in about 3 weeks straight I think. Bleh. 6 more chapters of Abnormal Psychology and the whole of General Biology to go. Cry.